35 Of The Funniest Things Found On A CV

 In Job Searching, Other

The Curriculum Vitae is an integral part of the employment process, as you’re tasked with the unenviable job of fitting your entire professional life into two (or at a push, three) pages in the hope of impressing your potential employer. However, the pressure of getting your foot in your prospective workplace’s door can often be more trouble than it’s worth; with many jobseekers unsure just how much detail they need to share with their future boss.

But by focussing their efforts into being a dream employee, usually results in the form of a nightmare CV. Use these disadvantaged skills to your advantage, and join us as we laugh (and cry) at some of the funniest blunders that have made their way onto a CV:

funny-cv1. often use a laptap.
2. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
3. Fluent in English. Also I have been heard muttering Gibberish in my sleep.
4. Qualifications: “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”
5. Experience: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.”
6. Objective: “To become Overlord of the Galaxy!”
7. Accomplishments: “Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.”
8. Reason for leaving last job: “Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.”
9. References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”
10. Special skills: “I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.”
11. Skills: “I have technical skills that will take your breath away.”
12. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
13. Education: “University: August 1890 to May 1993.”
14. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
15. Candidate explaining details of an arrest: “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”
16. Hobbies: “Having a good time.”
17. “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.”
18. “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
19. Interests: “Gossiping.”
20. Experience: “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
21. A CV written completely in the third person.
22. Hobbies: “donating blood – 12 litres so far.”
23. Awards: “National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes.”
24. Pastimes: “Running, editing video, cooking, writing and wondering.”
25. Length of residence: “60 feet, give or take.”
26. Reason for leaving: “Responsibility makes me nervous.”
27. Hobbies: “Space Travel.”
28. Hobbies: “Marital Arts.” (Maybe it’s a variant to martial arts?)
29. Job history: “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse.”
30. Work experience: “Night stalker in Tesco.”
31. Key skills: “I am quick at typing, about 30 words per minute, 45 with strong coffee.”
32. Current salary: “£28,000. Salary desired: £170,000.”
33. Accomplishments: “My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.”
34. Skills: “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
35. References: “None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

While obviously it’s important to inject your personality into your CV, ensure that you maintain a professional tone of voice (and that you undertake a rigorous spellcheck) – as employers may be averse to you using the company “laptap”.

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